hmm.......................where to start? I Owe an Apology to a couple of guys. the following words are meant to be a background and not by any means an excuse.
i'll be the first to admit i can be an asshole. i am extremely opinionated, and can be quick to judge. however, one of my few(admittedly) redeeming qualities is that i can admit it. i can also admit it when i am wrong or have made a mistake, without excuses.
i posted a blog a few days ago calling out a couple guys about an incident during a race a couple of weeks ago. i didn't say anything too derogatory, however i named names. and after some introspective thought on my ride home from the 'tuesday nite training race' i realized a few things.
first; someone actually is out there reading my random thoughts. which means my words have power. they have power because they provoke thought. after tonites' race, a few of us were hanging out afterwards telling 'war stories' from the previous painful 45 minutes. a guy commented to me how he had read my post about this 'said' race and remarked how ;he had found it rather funny. somewhat taken aback that this guy(or anyone for that matter) would be reading my worthless blog. without letting him say anything else about it, i almost instantly expressed to him that i regretted naming names. i that time, i don't know if that regret was because i got 'caught' or because an honest feeling of regret of the words i said were actually out of line. know this guy who commented on my blog is a guy i respect and even look up to as a racer and just an all-around really 'good guy'.
so my ride home tonite consisted of me contemplating his remark and my written words. now this guy by no means criticized my words. he did however say that he tries not to use his blog to 'vent' about racing 'incidents' on his blog for that very reason.
so, thanks mark! for letting me know that someone is reading my words. and indirectly educating me that my words can have a negative impact, on both someone else or myself for that matter.
second; racing for a fifth season means absolutely nothing when you compare it to some of the guys and the years they have raced that live in our little world here in the kc metro area. i read steve tilfords blog, the guy is a living legend in the world of cycling and he lives and races right here in our little world. not once have i read a blog on his website that called someone ot like that. mark studnicki, a guy that has raced at an elite level in mountain and cx, and someone that i look up to as a racer. never once that i have read has he called someone out like that. hell, i even got a lecture from my friend dan(also a racer, bike shop owner and another all-round good guy) on my posted blog. on the phone dan had to remind me what it was like to be a 1st or 2nd year racer. he had to remind me of what it felt like to be surrounded by a bunch of over-competitive assholes in spandex at a race wher you were inntimidated as hell and how intimidating that could be. dan reminded me that i was just a '4'. my first thought when he said that though, was that just cuz i am a '4' doesnt mean i dont care any less than that 2 or 3 fighting it out with a bunch of 1's trying to prove he belongs. however, i did realize i dont want to be that 'guy'. that guy that the rest of the group is talking about and how big of an 'asshole' he is. i remember talking about 'pricks' like that........hell, i still talk about Pricks like that to this day. they are still in the pack, acting bigger or more important than they really are. I DONT WANT TO BE THAT GUY! i realize that i dont hang out with anybody like that, and the guys that i do hang out with dont want to be associated with anybody like that!
Third(and most importantly); no matter how i have arrived at this point, i am sorry. i Regret having named names and what i have said in my previous blog. for all of the above reasons.
so.........to william prann and jan(skc racer). I Apologize! i hope you will forgive me if you have read or heard about my posted blog and i have offended you. and to other readers, cycling friends, and non-cycling friends........ i hope you will accept this apology as well. and forgive me if i have offended you as well.
Steve Tilford Eulogy
11 months ago